3:30 p.m. - 2010-09-20
She's gone to me
She is gone. August 6th. Hideous, horrific. I can't write about it because I still can't think about it. Numb is where I live. Skating on the frozen abyss of sorrow. Decisions never intended for mortals became my daily fare, those horrible weeks. Praying for her peace, only to recanti and beg her back at any cost, choosing and unchoosing, grasping and relinquishing, opening and closing my tenuous grip, wanting to protect her. Unable to protect her. Listening to the wrong people. Listening to the right people. Not hearing anything. Throbbing, my soul lay desolate and parched on the desert floor. Or is that her? I am stung by grief, by guilt, by my ineffectual petitions. Clinging to my God with what's left of a fingernail. She is with Him now. I am bereaved as a hermit crab, deprived of home.
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