11:21 a.m. - 2007-06-19
Who is she?
How she haunts me, perched on the green wall to wall fastening rhinestones to the pockets of her jeans. She just finished trimming her bangs in the vertical way that makes them shaggy. She likes her straight hair, although sometimes she wants it to look like the girl in Last Tango. She is a Child Development major at Valley College. English minor. She writes poetry, cynical and dreamy. She is so insecure. Cocky. Which is it? Both. She thinks men are her salvation. Not so much the men themselves, but the desire of men. She can be so shallow for one so deep. She is oh say twenty seven going on fifteen. She would not go to the 7-11 without eye make-up. No, really. She fancies herself a bohemian. She can be so predictable. She eats five Jack in the Box tacos at a sitting, usually in her '70 VW. She prefers to be mobile. She has a collection of webby tops. She doesn't wear a bra. She goes dancing every weekend. She dances with whoever asks her, but flirts with the guy on the periphery. She flirts with the keyboard player no matter who she's dancing with. He flirts back while playing "Who's That Lady?". She lightens her hair, but secretly prefers her own natural ashy blond/brown. She takes her two year old son to Fisherman's Village at Marina de Rey. They eat corn dogs and look in the shops. She loves him, but is usually preoccupied with attracting men. Her favorite song is "Layla". That middle, instrumental part sends her gliding across the floor, eyes closed in a world all her own. She knows her parents are disappointed in her. She is ashamed of that and overcompensates with bravado. She has a corkboard full of pictures of her latest "conquests". She had her parents to dinner, so they could see it. She is dating a guy from Thailand with an unpronouncable name and about ten "sweet Chicanos". She favors the exotic, but often is asleep by eight. She wants to be Julie on the Mod Squad. She longs to go without make-up, be carefree. She carefully applies her make-up so as to look like she is not wearing any. She is a fraud. She is so real. She is really very shy. She tells guys things like, "Too bad you didn't meet me last week ... this week I'm 'off men' ... give me your number and if I think of any reason I might want you around, I'll give you a call". She thinks she's savvy. She dances on her living room floor. She is a nursery school aid by day. A slut by night. Somewhere she learned that her worth is determined by others' desire. She reads Freud and Karen Horney, trying to figure out where she learned it. She believes in astrology. She believes her problems are the result of too many Virgos. She believes that someday her prince will come. Under her disguise, she is probably lovable. Afraid to pry off the disguise, she'll never know. She lives on hope and Jack in the Box tacos. Not necessarily in that order.
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