9:23 a.m. - 2006-01-30
Thank You Rant
To see my entire life flash before my eyes and live to make the necessary course corrections is an unexpected blessing. Looking back, we are ususally left with the unsatisfying lament, "If I only knew then what I know now". While my past bears the "as is" label, my present has taken on possibilties that would have seemed highly unlikely not so very long ago. You have not only shared, but shaped, my journey. You have held the lamp steady, encouraging me with your generous attention, your gracious insights. I am grateful. Reading my diary has enabled me to see myself from a fresh perspective, to actually find compassion for myself and understanding for my often disastrous choices. I know, as a therapist, that almost anything makes sense when seen in context. Being so immersed in my own forest, I had no recognition of the trees. No appreciation for the momentary shade they offered. Vascilating between self recrimination and a license borne of pain, I left victims in the wake of my attempts to escape myself. So many people in the wrong place at the wrong time, now woven into a fabric that need always be mine. Reversing the cloth day by day, in the distance and intimacy of your company, I have dared to look at the ugly and chaotic stitches. The jagged mendings that only served to rent the whole. The well meaning knots. The mismatched threads. It is a map of a life in progress. MY life. When looked at from a distance, there is beauty even in the tangle of colors, the frayed and the coarse. Those resilient and those broken. With your help, I have claimed my story. I have honored my person. I know that God led me to Diaryland. I stumbled upon it quite by accident. The incredible wit of Toastcrumbs drew me in. And, from there, I have met you. So many times, I have cried as I read all of your comforting notes. You have affirmed my heart in times that I felt completely alone, save God. You have reminded me of His presence. So often, you have been His voice for me. Beautiful Asia. Bawdy Hiss and Tell, brave and compassionate. Foul-mouthed Emily with the heart of purest gold. Gentle Cat. Sandyz, poetic and courageous. Sweet Mugwump. Sharp and savvy Tattoobelly. Of course, Toastcrumbs, my portal into this healing. Godsong. Onebluegreen. Pansycline. Sparkspark. Revisions. Sunshine0221 and Teeny, too. Tuff517. Zencelt. Weetabix. Wistful-blue, I love you. I apologize if I have left anyone out. We are a circle of friends. And a circle is eternal. What can I say? In the embarassing words of Sally Field, "You like me. You really like me". And, for it, I like myself.
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