10:17 a.m. - 2006-01-10
Trust Rant
I understood that "A" material was required. I understood that this evening would determine the course of my future. What I didn't understand was the fluttering sensation somewhere below my navel, the heat flushing my temples, the excruciating way his eyes seemed to penetrate my flailing vaneer. Uninvited hot tears welled in the corners of my eyes. The girl who wanted to be perfect feared for her mascara. The girl who wanted to be loved held his gaze, unashamed at the flow trickling into her untouched margarita. Disjointed explanations struggled for primacy, swelling in the air between us. I told him about my journal. The way it had stretched my life before me like an anesthetized patient, finally exposing the template of self hatred. Revealing the blueprint for my broken heart. I took him through our seven barren years. The series of "almosts" that left us panting on separate shores, never completely out of one another's sight. He was calm as he listened, never interrupting. I could not read his face. I could not stop even to care. The girl suppressed for a lifetime had found her voice. Who was I to prevent her? I bemoaned my unfortunate timing. The fact that he had found someone to care for him. But his discomfort at her touch had betrayed his heart. It was, after all, the wrong embrace. My words were halting, but irrepresible. I poured out my intentions. I said the words he had waited so long to hear, never completely abandoning hope. I caught my breath and dared to look into the eyes of my very best friend. He reached across the table for our first real kiss. "It has always been you," he murmured. "Don't hurt me," he added. "I will feel like a fool". I assured him that I wouldn't. And I knew that I could trust the girl who made the promise. Trust her word. Trust her judgment. Trust her heart. For the first time.
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