9:51 a.m. - 2005-11-18
Too Late Rant
Delighting myself in the Lord, it was His good pleasure to give me the desires of my heart. In the light of His countenance, I was able to see John for the first time. Laying bare the contents of my child-heart. From the beginning, I had wanted only to be known and loved. Truly known. Truly loved. The guilt I carried from so many wrong turns had left me suspicious of kindness, wary of such tender scrutiny. I fled the light, for fear of exposure. I shunned the company that so effortlessly accepted mine. I disrespected the eye that beheld me with compassion. But now, after endless false starts, I was free to receive. I arranged to meet John for dinner. Our little hot dog stand. I envisioned the conversation we would have over avacado dogs and greasy, shared fries. I arrived exuberent, joyful. Ready to resume the friendship that was always more, but never quite. He was, as ever, early. Waiting in the little red booth. Reading the paper. After a bit of small talk, he said quietly, "I've been seeing someone. It is so nice to be with someone who really wants to be with me." My stomach hurt. My stunned smile melted somewhere into the napkin as I told him how happy I was that he had found someone to love. The rest of our talk was stilted and polite. We hugged and I was barely in the car before the tears stung hot, accompanying me on the short drive home. It was too late. I had learned, too late, that I really was the person he had known and loved. He had seen her. I had not. I resisted the voices reminding me that I had, once again, sabotaged my happiness, sealed my fate. Still, I had the sense that there was more to this story. He is the God of second chances, specializing in lost causes. He would see me through if I had faith. I clung to His promise with a fingernail's grip.
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