7:33 p.m. - 2005-07-09
No One Rant or 7/8/05
Thomas Merton said that you can never find intimacy by running from your solitude.
This is out of sequence from my story (or maybe not), but needs to be exorcised, so I will lay it here at your feet. Yesterday was probably the worst birthday I have ever had.
No one has ever come to get me. I cry alone. Ashamed. Self loathing. Alone in the car. In the crib. Alone without pride. No one to see. No one to care. No one. I am empty. No one inside. No one outside. No one. Sterile. Empty. Nothing. No one. Pain. So much pain for an empty girl. So much pain where there is nothing. So much shame in the nowhere. Empty. Nothing. Nowhere. No one. Anguish. How? Where? There is nowhere to contain it. Nowhere. Heart breaking. No heart is somehow breaking in my empty chest. Senseless beating, nowhere. No one. No one has ever come for me. Empty street. Empty chest full of pain. Ugly. Empty. Where do I feel it? With what? I am lost. Empty. Crying. Hating myself. Abandoned. Unwanted. Ignored. Despised. Hallow. Lost. Formless. Empty. No one has ever come. No one. No. One. Where are You, God? Please make me know I'm not alone.
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