7:35 a.m. - 2005-05-14
Honeymoon Rant
Now where was I? Okay, so the next thing I know I am waking up in a small hotel room across from the beach in Santa Barbara. Right away, I check out my left hand to find those sparkly things that might as well scream 'dance no more'. As nothing no nothing gets past me, I realize that it was all, in fact, not a dream and all bets are off. As it happened, I had gotten my period on my wedding night and Fred (the only person quite possibly knowing less about female physiology than he being me), clueless about the effects of stress on hormones, suspected that I did this on purpose to prolong not only my own virginity (my bear, you see, rarely pressured me for more than a linty french kiss) but his as well. I was, I will admit, a bit afraid. Never having seen a penis (even in print), for all I knew it could have been the texture of a pinwheel and the size of a cassaba melon. The seriously high point of my honeymoon was a toy store on State Street, where I purchased a small stuffed lamb (not realizing the irony of my choice at the time). Straightaway, we were off to the slaughter. Arriving home, hymen intact, I was soon to receive a call from kindly (but a bit daft) Dr. Elrod. He requested a second blood test (to the one required for the marriage license) as there was a chance that I had Syphillis. Still a virgin, I breathlessly asked, "Is there any OTHER way to get that?" "No", he replied. Exhaling a sigh of relief, I complied anyway. False alarm (no duh!). I have always loved movies where the hapless bride is rescued in the eleventh hour by Dustin Hoffman or somebody in a really fast car. Just an aside. The next call I got was my dad telling me that, because I hadn't called in say three days, my mother was no doubt going to die. I have wondered of late how this kind of thing affected my ability to 'leave & cleave' and perhaps foreshadowed the ultimate demise of this and subsequent marriages. Anyway, once back from our pristine honeymoon, Fred hounded me to 'consummate'. How romantic is that? No "Oooh, baby, baby" here. No. "You know we need to consummate or our marriage is not valid". Time was running out and no Dustin in sight. Finally, the die was cast. Cut to cornfield. Need Dustin? Not so much. And so then ...
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